Dating for Millennials
We’ve all heard it – the dating apocalypse, the end of courtship, the death of romance, and for the most part, the loveless generation (which, if you don’t already know, is the millennials). When you look up the words “millennials” and “dating” together, these are the headlines you will most likely come across. However, are these headlines an actual representation of romance in this digital age? Is dating dead, and if so, are millennials themselves the ones to blame?
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, human behavior researcher and self-help author, millennials are attentively using technology to find love, while also creating new dating rules and taboos along the way. So OkCupid, Tinder, and Bumble, being some of the most popular dating websites and applications, may be used to find companionship and love, however, these past few years, there have been several trends and terms made up that hinders the process of actual dating and romance.
For starters, the term dating itself is pretty unclear for millennials.
In this generation, two people going on a date, or even several dates for that matter, does not mean that they are dating. Two people constantly communicating with each other, whether via text or face-to-face, and showing interest to one another, also does not imply that they are dating, as this is simply just talking. Unless both parties have clearly communicated their intentions with one another, nothing is official. This may explain why millennials themselves are exasperated with the whole process of getting to know someone romantically. The fact that the term “dating” itself is obscure does not help.
“Hooking up” or the hookup culture, is one of the many things millennials are known for. It can be defined as an early sexual exchange but without commitment, and can be anything from having sexual intercourse, or making out. However, the fact that two people have already been naked with each other does not mean exclusivity or a committed relationship, unless stated out loud.
“Ghosting” is also one of the most popular terms used by millennials, and it is when one decides to just suddenly disappear after a period of being with someone.
This is done because one side of the party does not want to deal with the pain and messiness of breaking ties with someone. It is also much easier nowadays, because as the term “dating” itself has become so ambiguous, some people don’t actually feel the need to explain themselves, as there was never anything official to begin with.
Another popular term, as mentioned in an article by mindbodygreen, is “breadcrumbing” (also known as cushioning and layby), where someone who is already in a relationship tries to keep someone else on the hook just in case their current relationship does not work out. They leave just enough crumbs of conversation and flirtation to keep someone interested, without crossing any limits to the point that their partner would find out.
These are just some of the various terms being used and also applied by millennials in their dating life. Even so, an article written by Bustle states that millennials search for love more than other generations, but at the same time, they are also frustrated with dating, and most of them are actually quite lonely.
So what do millennials really look for in terms of their dating life?
Sasha, a 21-year-old university student, and Deanne, a 24-year-old businesswoman, both of whom are single, share their outlook on dating as millennials.
Sasha considers dating as having a romantic relationship with the partner, and being committed emotionally and physically with the person. Deanne, on the other hand, states that dating is the process of two people getting to know each other, before deciding whether or not they would like to take their relationship to a more serious level.
Both of them are on Tinder, the most popular mobile dating application in Malaysia.
Sasha, who found out about Tinder through YouTube and also her friends, has been using it for almost seven months now, and Deanne has been on it for six months.
Sasha says that she joined Tinder because she’s tired of being the single one among her friends. “I’ve always been the third, fifth, seventh and even ninth wheel,” she says jokingly. “At first, I expected that I would find someone who would be my boyfriend in real life, but as time goes by, I have made a lot of good friends, instead of a partner. But hey, sometimes friends may end up being more than just that,” says Sasha when asked about her expectations when she first started using Tinder.
“I’m single and I barely get to meet new people, so I just wanted to give it a try,” says Deanne, who is still hoping to find someone to be in a meaningful relationship with in the end. “I would definitely consider most of my matches to be my boyfriends, it’s just a matter of time, and of course, whether or not we’d click in real life.”
Sasha has communicated face-to-face with around 10 of her matches from Tinder, and she says that her experience on it so far has been more on the positive side, although she has not had any serious relationship with any of them yet. Deanne, on the other hand, has only met one of her 100 matches on Tinder, and it is with someone she has already previously met. “I’m just more concerned about safety issues, so since it’s someone I already know, I figured it would be a safe start to dating someone from Tinder. I’m still new to online dating, and I do plan to go out and meet other people from this app in the future,” says Deanne.
When asked about what they look for in a person, Sasha states that she does not focus on the physical appearance, which is one of the main things most people concentrate on when it comes to online dating. “I take my time by reading most of their bios and looking at their song anthem, because you can tell a lot about a person from these two things,” says Sasha.
Deanne agrees with Sasha, stating that she looks at bios specifically, to get a hint of the individual’s personality. “If there is nothing written on the bio, that leaves me with only the pictures, which may seem quite shallow, but it is Tinder after all,” Deanne says laughing.
In terms of whether or not the app has helped them search for their ideal person, Sasha says that she has to meet her Tinder matches in real life first, and only then will she be able to know who they really are. “So far, I almost found an ideal person, but I’m still keeping my options open,” she says. Deanne says that the app has opened up to her the possibilities of dating beyond her social circle, “I’m pleasantly surprised by the people I get to meet on Tinder. I have met some people I really like and find interesting, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to meet most of these people if it weren’t for Tinder.”
When asked about the biggest challenges faced by millennials in the dating world, both of them talk about the importance of effort. “Nowadays, guys don’t really put effort in courting girls, and even if they do, it would only be for the thrill of it,” says Sasha. “I think the idea that we have so many options have made us quick to give up whenever we find any flaw on whoever we’re seeing, which is pretty sad. We should put extra effort to get to know someone better instead of cutting ties as soon as we find a flaw in them,” says Deanne. Although both of them have not gained a relationship through online dating, both are still hopeful on the fact that Tinder can help them find true love. “I sure hope that I’ll find my true love through online dating, because I don’t really have time to socialize,” says Sasha.
These two then explain how they don’t think the article headlines represent dating for millennials. “I don’t think dating is dead, there are still a lot out there that do romantic things for their partners,” says Sasha. “I myself have been on dates where the guys have put in great effort, like a fancy dinner, and a candle-lit rooftop” says Deanne.
Contrary to popular belief, online dating is not really that different from dating back then, because now there’s just technology involved. The difference between millennials and the previous generations is not on the relationship status, but more on how they get to a relationship. Romance, after all, is not dead for the millennials.